Very Short Cervix & Funneling

Bad news!

Was a full-on day yesterday. We signed up for the progesterone trial, and pulled out all on the same day.

I phoned the midwife telling her we wanted to be prescribed progesterone, rather than go on the trial where we only have a 50/50 chance of getting the real stuff. I was ready to battle my case for why we should  be allowed to take it, but she immediately said sure, she’d phone and speak with our obstetrician.

After a few phone calls between Dr’s we had an appointment at the high risk clinic at hospital with a Dr we hadn’t seen before who specialises in cervixes and pre-term labour. She scanned me and my cervix is now measuring 13mm. Even shorter than we had feared two days ago. I was pretty devastated, although she did say she has scanned shorter. There is also funneling starting to happen. The stitch is still in place at the moment, but the shortening cervix is not a good sign at all. It shows I am going to go into premature labour… it is just a matter or time.

When the Dr explained their goal for me would be to get to 24 weeks I burst into tears. That’s too early! I fear our worst nightmare is repeating, and we may lose another baby due to my body going into premature labour again. She didn’t hesitate in prescribing us progesterone pessaries, even though studies here are inconclusive on whether it can help or not, we are happy to do anything that may prevent something which I fear maybe the inevitable.

I am on mostly bedrest, and need to go to the hospital if I have even the slightest change.

Needless to say I have been a wreck for the last few days. People keep saying to be positive but I  am devastated.

Baby Good but Cervix Shortening

Yesterday was our 19 week anatomy scan. All looked good in terms of the baby so that was really good news.

The guy who came and collected us from the waiting room for our scan asked us if we’d been there before, and explained where we were going. That set alarm bells going as he had obviously not read any of my notes, even though he was holding them in his hands. Once we got to the ultrasound room I told him he should probably know we are regulars to the clinic and have been going there almost every week since 10 weeks and we lost a baby last year at 26 weeks. He told us he was a senior trainee sonographer and would be doing our ultrasound today, and it would take about 40 minutes. I told him that to be honest we would really like a senior or at least a qualified sonographer to do our scan. He explained a senior sonographer would be reviewing the images he took anyway, but I said we still would want them to come and do the scan anyway. I explained that though I wasn’t trying to imply he didn’t know what he was doing, since we’d lost a baby last year we didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks (including being scanned by someone who is not very experienced). In the end he still did the initial scan even though it took more like 50 minutes and it hurt quite alot when he pressed down really hard in areas. I can’t say it was a happy happy joy joy moment, as since he was inexperienced I guess he was pretty quiet during the whole scan (probably concentrating on what he was doing rather than focusing on the experience for us as parents) and didn’t say alot except a few comments like ‘the baby is in an awkward position’ quite a few times. Can’t say I was that impressed with the experience, but not really his fault, just the way it was I guess.

A senior sonographer did come in afterwards and checked over things, and got better shots of the heart etc. The baby was very active throughout the whole scan moving about. Her approach to the scan was just so much more comforting… she was relaxed and just talked constantly as she looked at and measured different parts of the baby saying stuff like look at that beautiful looking spine, that’s exactly what we like to see etc.

I was still thinking perhaps we might go and have a private ultrasound somewhere just to make sure they have found everything, as I’m sure the senior sonographer wasn’t as thorough since there were probably areas the trainee would have covered that she thought was OK. Me being paranoid I know, but I can’t help it! Crazy woman!!

Then I had to have the trans-vaginal ultrasound to check the state of my cervix. I figured something wasn’t exactly right since she was very quiet, and yet very chatty throughout the previous scan. Turns out my cervix appears to have shortened since the last scan 3 weeks ago. That’s not such good news. The stitch is still in place around my cervix and my cervix is closed so that’s the good thing. But below the cervical stitch there is only something like 18-22mm. I’m pretty sure 3 weeks ago it was 25mm.

If my cervix is shortening it’s not great because in theory the cervix shortens, then thins out, then opens and then labour starts (or labour starts before the cervix dilates). It’s pretty freaky thinking that things can happen in my body that I can’t control that could risk another baby. If I go into pre-term labour again there is probably very little they can do to stop it.

I saw the obstetrician after the scan and they discussed it and said it would be too difficult technically and probably no more successful to remove the stitch and try to place one in higher, so will just have to stick with the stitch that is there at the moment. They asked me if I’d had any symptoms that were similar to last time I went into labour and I said the only thing is after the massage I had last week a really tight and sore tummy, that lasted for quite a while so I’m too go into the hospital if it happens again. Still could just have been a growth spurt but I will be super paranoid if I get any symptoms again.

Anyway, in the meantime I done some reading and hydration is super important in preventing pre-term labour making sure the hormone oxytocin isn’t too concentrated, so I’ve been drinking alot of water since our appointment. Also the obstetrician told us fish is good to have at least 3 days a week (which I knew already of course) but I didn’t know it is linked to helping prevent pre-term labour.

I’m just taking it super easy for now, trying to be stress-free and getting plenty of rest and go back in 2 weeks time for another scan to check things.

Tired and Stretched

It’s been an exhausting day today doing nothing.

Had an early night last night because I was feeling pretty exhausted and yesterday my stomach was feeling really tight for a lot of the day. It did remind me a little bit of when I went into premature labour with our little girl last year, so I took care to rest as much as I could (although I did have to do a bit of a waddle around the supermarket to get eggs – craving for lunchtime). I think the early night did me good as I did sleep quite well and woke up feeling a bit more rested. I kept thinking ‘have I drunk enough water’ as the paranoid part of me thought maybe it was pre-labour signs, and I know emptying your bladder, lying down and drinking 3 large glasses of water are the way to go if you do start to have labour signs. Of course it would be an absolute disaster if I did go into premature labour at this early stage. Fingers crossed it is just me being paranoid. If Iwas really concerned I know I can always just show up to the woman’s assessment unit at the hospital and get checked out. Thing is my body is going through some major changes supporting another life inside it, so I can’t expect to feel ‘normal’ all the time.

Today I was up early, set to go to work but after breakfast my energy levels just plummeted so I listened to my body and just lay on the couch for much of the day resting and with a few Nana naps thrown in. Very boring, and I have quite a lot of work I was planning to try getting through today too, but I come first, so I guess I just need to listen to my body and go with it.

My stomach is just feeling a bit sore and hard… perhaps just a growth spurt? I was feeling as though I have to hold onto it which might just be ligament pain, so have placed the tummy support thing I bought last week on and it is feeling so much better.

Tomorrow I am off to high tea with a few close friends to remember our little girl we lost last year. A close friend arranged it all and we’re off to the restaurant at the park where we had our wee blessing ceremony / private farewell. We sat under the blossom trees for that, but because the weather is so changeable here at the moment it didn’t seem like the wisest choice to try have a picnic under the trees with the girls. So instead we will play ladies and have lovely high tea. One of my best friends is 7 1/2 months pregnant so it will be interesting to see how much smaller I am than her. She is a fitness freak and has been running all the way through her pregnancy, as well as doing pilates and yoga. Her and I are like chalk and cheese in terms of the amount of exercise we are doing. Bet I’m not that much smaller than her 🙂

Oh… just getting lots of little movements in my tummy as I am typing this. Think bubs is kicking about quite alot in the last few days I am really starting to notice all the little twinges that have to be bubs moving about. What’s it going to be like as time goes on I wonder?

I just thought of something – I went for a massage yesterday so perhaps that is what set off all the tightness in my tummy? Or co-incidence??

18 weeks pregnant

Today we have made it to the 18 week mark.

Went for an appointment at the hospital today and all went well. The midwife used the doppler to listen to the heartbeat which sounded strong and clear. Also a bit of sound with the baby moving about. (I haven’t told her we have a doppler at home that we are using too, as some health professionals aren’t very supportive of patients who have dopplers and discourage it).

I am starting to feel a few movements now which is good. Mainly when baby changes positions I think, I will all of a sudden feel a hard bit on the outside of my tummy. And over the last couple of days I am starting to feel a few minor little movements deep inside too which is perhaps bub’s wee kicks and stretches. Sometimes it’s almost constant. I’m looking forward to the time when Roger (his made up name for this blog) can start to feel the movements too from the outside of my tummy.

I also saw the physio too today who is pleased with the improvements in my lower back. Although, I have had Mum staying here for a while, so haven’t been into work for ages, so not sitting at my desk must have something to do with the improvement I think.

I had a really nice relaxing massage last week and got them to focus on my back and feet which was lovely. They specialise in pregnancy massage only, so I trusted they knew what they were doing and it was great to just have a really nice relaxing hour or so. Oh.. bliss!! I’ve booked another couple of sessions in over the next week or two and the physio said I should keep it up if it is helping… yah for that! I guess it’s not cheap but I am justifying it in my own mind by reminding myself we don’t have to pay for a private obstetrician and our IVF round to get pregnant this time was publicly funded (so that’s about a $15,000 savings anyway).

I am struggling big time taking the supplements I’m meant to be taking each day. A multi-vitamin, ferritin and most importantly, Calcium. I have been a bit naughty by just avoiding taking them at all. Very bad I know, but they make me throw up. I finally got some chewable / dissolve in your mouth type multi-vitamin and got a prescription for some water soluble calcium rather than the big pills I’d been meant to be taking. So with a bit of hope I finally tried the chewable multi-vitamin last night an hour or two before dinner, and then I dissolved the water soluble calcium in a glass of water during dinner, drank it and was hopeful things would stay down for a change. But about an hour later, up it all came… talk about annoying!! Just when I was thinking no more throwing up for me.

I can’t say I enjoy being sick!! Someone said to me the other day ‘but don’t you feel just so good after a spew’ but noooo, not for me!!

After having a chat with the midwife she has explained it’s really important I don’t skip taking the calcium (which is what I’ve been doing for the past month at least). Naughty me!! So I am going to have to just try to drink it slowly and even perhaps break the calcium tablet in half or quarters and take a little bit throughout the day. (I’ve just realised it’s almost dinner time now and I haven’t taken any throughout the day). Fingers crossed I won’t throw up dinner tonight!

I am feeling a bit more exhausted and have been a little more stressed than normal in the last few days. Been helping Mum buy a new car which has involved going out looking at car yards, going for test drives and finally negotiations and organising checks on the car etc. What a mission! All I can say is we pick the new car up tomorrow and I will be happy to see the tail end of car yards for a while.  I must say Roger has been keeping a close check on me and refused to let me out two days in a row, so although I’m tired I haven’t been going at it non stop.

My tummy is big and fat like a buddha. I can’t believe I don’t weigh more than I do. I look (and feel) like I’ve put on about 10kg but in fact I’m not even back to my IVF weight. When I went through IVF this round I put on at least a couple of kg’s, so am just a bit shocked I don’t weigh more now because I look so pregnant. Perhaps the whole ‘muscle is heavier than fat’ theory is playing it’s part. I haven’t done any real exercise for so long, so not surprising I am turning into Mrs Blobby.

Anyway, good to know I have made it this far – 18 weeks, but still it is just one step at a time for us. Next week we have our 19 week anatomy scan but until then we are just planning to take it easy. Roll on the next milestone!!

17 weeks pregnant

(well almost) 17 weeks tomorrow actually.

I gave my Mum the green light to tell all the family in the weekend (it’s a pretty big family) and she must have been on fire ringing people in record time telling them all. About 15 minutes later I was getting texts from family members congratulating us – amazing how news travels fast on the family grape-vine. Was nice that Mum got to tell the family as she will have loved it, and it has probably been really hard on her keeping this pregnancy a secret especially since she doesn’t have Dad to share it with anymore. 😦 Dad would be happy for us though, I know 🙂

We went to Rogers parents place too to visit which was nice as it was the first time out of the house and furthest we’d ventured for quite some time. By that afternoon I was pretty exhausted but it was nice to get out.

I was feeling pretty good on Saturday, particularly in the morning. It was like all my energy had returned and I felt like the old me again. It didn’t last that long but still, it was better than I’ve felt for quite some time, so it’s a start! Then on Sunday I felt like I was back to square one again… threw up all my breakfast and just felt so tired and weak. I did manage a few hours work, which I’ve done for the last few days so that’s something.

Today my cousin dropped off a whole heap of maternity clothes she’d been using last year. (Her baby is now almost 9 months old and had our little girl gone to full term last year they would have been 6 weeks apart in age. He’s a happy little thing now, full of smiles and a real cutie).

It was so nice to get to try on all these different clothes and to now have so many new additions to my wardrobe! It was like going shopping without having to leave the house (or hammer the credit card). Very exciting!! (It doesn’t take much though to give me a bit of a thrill these days, I don’t get out much)

Telling people we’re pregnant

We’re about 16 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and wondering if perhaps it might almost be time to tell people. My tummy is really starting to give the game away anyway… I feel happy to be pregnant, but cautiously excited about it. I’m not sure how everyone is going to react. I want people to be happy about it, but not overly so, as things could go wrong and assuming it will work out just seems so wrong and false.

I just got my Mum to tell my sisters and they were really happy and excited sounding, which was really nice. At the same time I am there explaining that we have a high chance of going into premature labour again, and so much can go wrong. I am hopeful that things will be OK, but with all we know now we are not naïve enough to think all will be OK just because we are past the 14 week stage.

I am looking forward to telling people, as it has been a bit of a burden at times keeping this a secret.

16 weeks pregnant

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant. I went to the high risk clinic today just for a check up to make sure all is OK. I must say I am once again so impressed with the treatment and consultation. Apart from the long waiting times I really can’t fault the system.

The normal routine is to check in at reception, grab my notes and take it to the nurse who immediately records my weight, then hands me a label which I take to the loo to put on the container for the urine sample I must do each time. There is a little door that opens from the bathroom into the clinic so I just open the wee door (or should I say little door to save from confusion… but actually ‘wee’ door is rather appropriate) and place the sample on the shelf that opens into the lab on the other side of the toilets.

Then it is off to the waiting area where I make the most of reading my book. Because of the swine flu the waiting area is rather spread out in an area with lots of couches. Apparently they need people to be at least 1 metre apart to prevent it from spreading.

I got to see the same Dr who did my suture operation, and I must say I was very impressed with him this time. He was very thorough, answered all my questions, and went over everything in detail. He mentioned he wasn’t that happy after the surgery as he didn’t expect to face the issues he had to with my cervix. Apparently the posterior part of the cervix was almost non existent so was very difficult to put the suture into. He was quite happy though with where the stitch is now though so that’s good. We also listened to bubs heart racing along, but it did take a while to find. I mentioned that I was starting to have some problems with my back and next thing you know he’s organised an appointment with the physio for me, straight after my appointment with him. That’s service.

So I finish with the Dr and get a chance to catch up on my reading again while I wait for the physio. When I do see her I am impressed with all the tips and techniques she has for me about everything… how to sit in a chair, sitting down, getting up, getting in and out of bed, in and out of the car and can you believe how to best do a poo. ha! I’m to lean forward like I am reading and hiss and I ‘go’. Bizarre as it sounds it is meant to help relax the right section of muscles and tighten and support another section. Apparently my L4 or L5 section of my back that seems to be slightly out and the right part of my sacrum which in turn means it affects my piriformis muscles is effected. So she massages me and does some pressure points which hurt, but it’s good. She ends by taping me across the lower right area of my back, and sends me on my way.

So I am most impressed with how ‘looked after’ I feel at the high risk clinic. Next appointment is in 2 weeks with the midwife and physio, then 3 weeks will be our 19 week anatomy scan. Things going OK so far, but still just resting and relaxing and trying minimise stress so will hope that helps to get us where we want to go. 🙂

I can’t believe I’m still being sick!?

I am going to be 16 weeks pregnant tomorrow and can you believe I am still suffering from morning sickness? It has eased off heaps since early pregnancy but still I am throwing up on average 3 x per week which isn’t bad really, but still not pleasant!! So the ongoing saga of not being able to commit to anything socially or work-wise is a constant battle. I think I would find it fairly easy to be on home detention right now… it’s practically how I am living my life at the moment anyway. I am sure it will get easier soon, and I am thankful to be pregnant, so don’t want to seem ungrateful for that.  Just need a little moan every now and then 🙂

We still haven’t told anyone we are pregnant – no one in mine or Roger’s family knows yet (apart from our parents), and even our closest friends don’t know. I wanted to wait until we’d sent out thank you cards remembering our little girl we lost last year, which we have now done. But now it will be 1 year since we lost my Dad on Wednesday so not a really very appropriate time to tell people I’m pregnant either. I have been blocking out the emotion attached to losing my Dad I think lately by being so focused on creating memories of our little girl since last month was ‘her’ month. I sent out about 60-70 personalised thank you cards, got a gorgeous and unique locket made all about her, and wrote a story for her in the SANDS newsletter (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support). We go to a support group meeting once a month for other people who have lost their babies too. I told the group I was pregnant actually, but only because there was someone else who announced she was pregnant and was struggling with the confusion in her head about it all. So I felt I should share my experiences of early pregnancy with her to try help.

So this month is Dads month really… he was such a massive part of my life and so very loved. I was really close to him and think I am just putting off dealing with the fact that he is really gone too, right now. I have a sense that he is OK now though, and fine, happy and content where he is, but it doesn’t stop me from missing him terribly.

What an awful year it was last year… time helps with the capacity to deal with the pain but it will always be there.

We have another hospital appointment tomorrow so will see how that goes… think they might just have to tweak my medication slightly, but not expecting anything major.

All looking good – 15 weeks pregnant

Went for a check to the hospital this week to make sure the suture is in place OK and all is looking good.

I was really thankful the sonographer who was to do the ultrasound suggested that even though we were just there to check the suture we might as well take a good look at the baby first and check things are OK there. I must say this was a really nice ultrasound experience as I didn’t have all the intense emotion and sadness over losing our daughter this time. I guess it all just re-surfaced with the first ultra-sound at the hospital clinic. So it was nice to have a happy and positive ultrasound this time. I was amazed at just how much bubs has grown since we had the ultrasound 10 days ago. At that scan bubs had plenty of space and fluid around, but it was apparent at this scan the baby was so much bigger and had definitely grown to fill a lot of the space. Bubs had his/her hands up around the face area lots. Roger and I had smiles on our faces watching. The head and tummy measurement showed 15 weeks 3 days, and we were 15 weeks exactly so the size is pretty much on track. Bubs was moving about quite a lot, but we got a good look at all the major features. Of course we will have the anatomy scan at 19 or 20 weeks where all the checks will take place, and it’s too early to really know for sure if everything is OK or not. They gave us a printout of what looked like the baby waving 🙂 Very cute and reassuring!

So after they’d checked the baby they went on to do the transvaginal ultrasound to check the suture looked as though it was in place OK. What they found was that my cervix is completely closed (a good thing) and the suture looks as thought it is totally effective and in place. What the sonographer did find odd was it look liked there was part of a second suture still in place.

We had a follow-up with the Dr afterwards who kind of discounted what the sonographer had seen… implying the sonographer probably didn’t know and was likely to have got it wrong, but the Dr who did the surgery had written in his notes he had removed the first unsuccessful suture completely. Anyway, I know I am not willing to just let it go… I know Dr’s can get it wrong, and just because he has written it in his notes doesn’t mean he hasn’t accidentally missed removing something.

The main thing at the moment it is in place, so that’s good. However, I am not just going to forget this possibility there may be part of a 2nd stitch still there – as long as it doesn’t cause a problem right now that’s fine. But when it comes time to get it removed I will be sure to bring up this possibility part of something is left there as I don’t want them to leave something in accidentally.

I guess I have been through so many surgeries in my life I don’t just ‘trust’ that Doctors always get it right. I think they do their best, but they are human, and anyone can get things wrong, even if unintentionally. No big deal though, will just remember to follow-up on it. 🙂