Hoping not to have a Christmas baby

Our wee man at 25 weeks gestation (over 6 weeks ago)

It’s Christmas Eve today. Our Christmas wish this year is not to get to meet our baby for Christmas – we’re hoping he will stay in and have Christmas inside my tummy… it’s looking more and more likely we’ll get our wish and that’s all we can ask for.

My hospital appointment went well on Tuesday. I must say though – what a wait! It still managed to take about 2 hours for the appointment even though we only saw one Dr. We wait in the atrium rather than the normal waiting area so I get to lie down on a couch and read while we wait. Must say though, because of all the hot weather, the atrium can be a bit stifling hot… but have found a well placed sofa that gets a little breeze from the air conditioning vent. I did get the evil eye from a staff member as I have seen her that couch many times, and now I know why… it’s the coolest place in the atrium. Anyway…

The Dr’s are just so happy that I have made it this far I think. I talked to the Dr about all my symptoms I’ve been having but they are all very general normal pregnancy symptoms so nothing to be concerned about. I’ve just never been this far along (31 weeks, 3 days now) so I guess I am to expect to experience all these weird and wonderful new things. The sore tummy button, sore tummy and more intense, gripping braxton hicks. No scan though this week – just measured my tummy which was bang on normal, and listened to our little mans heart beat which still sounded like a horse trotting along. Because of the holidays our next appointment will be in 3 1/2 weeks time, for a growth scan to see how bubs is doing, and a check for me. That will be 34 1/2 weeks gestation… our target is 34.  Would be great to make it to that appointment.

On Wednesday night I woke at 2.30 in the morning  and went for just one of the usual loo stop during the night. When I got back to bed I felt quite a bit of pressure bearing down, had a sore achy lower back and lower abdomen, a slightly sore groin area and I felt nauseous. I must say I was thinking to myself I have been just too complacent that I will make it further just because I am 31 weeks, and now I am going to be taught a lesson to never make assumptions… It seemed a little similar to the beginning stages of when I went into early labour with our wee girl last year. I had some water and reflux medicine and Roger stayed awake with me until the symptoms eased up and I dropped to sleep again. If the pain had intensified or it had gone on for too long I would have gone to the hospital, but thankfully it was only 1 hour of discomfort and then all was fine again.

The next night (once again while trying to sleep) I felt a pulling sensation really low down inside, and I guess I can’t help but wonder if perhaps my cervix is trying to open and there is some resistance because of my cerclage. Who knows… might just be random and not related, but each time I turned over I would feel this sensation that just seems so in line with my cervical stitch being pulled. Once again, by the morning everything seems fine again so perhaps it is just coincidental.

Apart from that though, I’ve been feeling fine. A bit tired, but who isn’t during pregnancy. Still am being so well looked after by Roger who continues to be amazing, and my Mum who is up here from Tuesdays – Fridays each week, and Rogers Mum who is normally here on Mondays. Everyone is doing their best to give this precious little boy a great start in life and the chance to stay inside me as long as possible. And of course other friends, family and neighbours who are always offering to help out in any way they can. Not that we take them up on the offers, but still it’s just nice to know we have good support if we need it.

I have been having crazy dreams. Had repetitive ones that used to be about me being in the middle of the Coromandel on holiday and then realising I was on bed rest and the only way to get back to the bach was to ride a bike and freaking out whether that would bring on labour. I’ve progressed to dreams about having a baby and completely forgetting to feed him or her (sometimes I have a girl). It’s pretty stressful in my dream realising the baby has been born a day or two ago and I still haven’t fed him or her once, and I go into panic mode, trying to find my baby and feed it. The last baby dream was I’d just had our baby, and he was pretty big. The first time I saw him he was in a high chair fully dressed and about a year old (even though in my dream he was just born) and smiling at me with his big blue eyes. I must say he looked like he was my cousin’s 1 year old boy, but with blue eyes… couldn’t help thinking he looked heaps like her husband… ha! (the ivf clinic would have a thing or two to answer if that was the case). But now my latest dream is about me being really fat. (this one might be closer to the truth than the other dreams). It’s pretty concerning and I am regretting eating all those ice creams and chips and chocolate bars. I guess it is reflecting what’s going through my mind right now. I have had a few things that I put on to wear (skirts, dresses and underwear) and they don’t fit anymore. I am really a bit shocked that they seemed so large and I never though I would ever outgrow them and now I have… what the? I’ve now put on about 8kg and it is just fat depositing everywhere now, not just my stomach!! Waddle waddle…

I am starting to worry a little that we haven’t got ANYTHING ready for the arrival of a baby. We always said we’d wait until after Christmas, but now I am starting to freak out that if a baby did come along we wouldn’t be prepared for him – we wouldn’t know what we are doing with him, and we have nothing ready – no clothes, nappies, equipment at all. I guess we know he would be in NICU for a bit so that would give us time to get things sorted, but still. And at the same time my Mum told me she had bought something for the baby to come home in the other day and I just freaked out, not wanting anything bought for him right now just incase. And my niece offered to drop her baby’s pram off here so we could see it and check whether we were interested in buying it from her, but I just couldn’t do it. I told her I knew it completely made sense and was logical, but I simply couldn’t face it. I couldn’t handle the thought of a pram sitting downstairs right now, just incase once again we are caught out with making assumptions we are going to have a live baby again. So I have a few conflicting thoughts at the moment. I am trying to read books about what to expect once the baby is born but I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all and just don’t have a very good attention span for taking much in at a time. Hopefully I will manage to get into it a bit more as time goes on.

Oh, and we might have a new contender for a name… that will be exciting if we both continue to like it!!

Well, better go – Christmas day tomorrow. Will be like none other we have ever had. Our lovely neighbour is going to deliver us Christmas brunch so we are lucky to have such a thoughtful person next door. It will give Roger a break too, since he hasn’t allowed me to get up to prepare any food at all ever since I’ve been on bed rest.

Have a fantastic Christmas day to whoever is reading this!! May the bubbas in our tummy enjoy their first Christmases in utero!

I can’t believe I’m still being sick!?

I am going to be 16 weeks pregnant tomorrow and can you believe I am still suffering from morning sickness? It has eased off heaps since early pregnancy but still I am throwing up on average 3 x per week which isn’t bad really, but still not pleasant!! So the ongoing saga of not being able to commit to anything socially or work-wise is a constant battle. I think I would find it fairly easy to be on home detention right now… it’s practically how I am living my life at the moment anyway. I am sure it will get easier soon, and I am thankful to be pregnant, so don’t want to seem ungrateful for that.  Just need a little moan every now and then 🙂

We still haven’t told anyone we are pregnant – no one in mine or Roger’s family knows yet (apart from our parents), and even our closest friends don’t know. I wanted to wait until we’d sent out thank you cards remembering our little girl we lost last year, which we have now done. But now it will be 1 year since we lost my Dad on Wednesday so not a really very appropriate time to tell people I’m pregnant either. I have been blocking out the emotion attached to losing my Dad I think lately by being so focused on creating memories of our little girl since last month was ‘her’ month. I sent out about 60-70 personalised thank you cards, got a gorgeous and unique locket made all about her, and wrote a story for her in the SANDS newsletter (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support). We go to a support group meeting once a month for other people who have lost their babies too. I told the group I was pregnant actually, but only because there was someone else who announced she was pregnant and was struggling with the confusion in her head about it all. So I felt I should share my experiences of early pregnancy with her to try help.

So this month is Dads month really… he was such a massive part of my life and so very loved. I was really close to him and think I am just putting off dealing with the fact that he is really gone too, right now. I have a sense that he is OK now though, and fine, happy and content where he is, but it doesn’t stop me from missing him terribly.

What an awful year it was last year… time helps with the capacity to deal with the pain but it will always be there.

We have another hospital appointment tomorrow so will see how that goes… think they might just have to tweak my medication slightly, but not expecting anything major.

High Risk Maternity Clinic

I made the phone call today to the high risk clinic to let them know they should receive a referral for me from my current obstetrician in the next day or two. I felt I needed to pre-warn them I am already 10 weeks pregnant and will be needing to have our nuchal fold scan in two weeks time. Perhaps seems a bit pushy not waiting for them to contact me, but I had a friend who was referred to the high risk clinic at 10 weeks and by the time they processed her referral they had her scheduled for her nuchal fold scan at 14-15 weeks (which might be bordering on too late).

I was so impressed with the response from the team. I had three follow-up phone calls from them today. They hadn’t even received my referral yet, but looked up my hospital notes and read through them. It would have been mainly about my pre-term labour last year with our daughter. She lived for 35 hours. They had obviously read the notes in detail as mentioned the fact that I had no warning when I went into labour which is right. I’m told they showed my notes to a specialist in stillborn and neo-natal deaths, and came back to me with recommendations on switching to a multi-vitamin rather than high dose folic acid tablets I was currently taking and told me I needed to start taking baby aspirin immediately. They also suggested I could take an anti-nausea drug to help ease my morning sickness, but since I am pretty sensitive to even the slightest drugs at times I prefer to play it safe and just ride through it without risking any drugs. I already feel as though I am being well looked after… it’s so nice!!

Apparently I can expect to have an appointment sent to me in the next couple of days as they have already booked me in for a 12 week scan and with one of the obstetricians there. I was just so impressed with the swift response and how quickly everything has been sorted after just a short phone call this morning.

They have also advised me I will need to have an ‘internal’ examination on the same day of the 12 week scan to check the state of my cervix. In the past I have had a laser cone biopsy for treatment for pre-cancerous cells CIN II (a bad smear) so I guess I might have a slightly higher risk of this being a problem, since I have had part of my cervix removed. Apparently they will measure my cervix (oh joy, where do they keep the measuring tape), and if there is any hint of incompetence they will probably put in a surgical suture / stitch. I haven’t researched the risks involved in this procedure, but of course there are some. My obstetrician seemed to think it would be a good idea regardless if it could possibly reduce the chance of a premature birth again, so I guess I will just roll with what the experts think.

Anyway, apart from feeling sick still, I am feeling quite comforted with all the attention from the high risk clinic!

Still not out of the real danger zone yet, but certainly getting closer to it…

50 / 50 chance of another premature birth

At the moment I am just focusing on this moment in time… I am about 9 1/2 weeks pregnant and on Monday we’ll go for a scan to see how things are going.

So even though I am just taking it one day at a time I must admit at the back of my mind I have the obstetrician words of warning. If this pregnancy does continue we have a 50 / 50 chance of going into premature labour again. This means we could lose another baby because of extreme prematurity. The Dr’s only hope is that we go beyond the 26 week mark this time. Because they never actually identified the reason I went into premature labour with our daughter last year there is no telling if it will happen again. A 50/50 chance is pretty high!

Scary thought, but will just try keeping things in perspective and take one step at a time. No use worrying about that when we’re not even out of the first trimester yet.