All looking good – 15 weeks pregnant

Went for a check to the hospital this week to make sure the suture is in place OK and all is looking good.

I was really thankful the sonographer who was to do the ultrasound suggested that even though we were just there to check the suture we might as well take a good look at the baby first and check things are OK there. I must say this was a really nice ultrasound experience as I didn’t have all the intense emotion and sadness over losing our daughter this time. I guess it all just re-surfaced with the first ultra-sound at the hospital clinic. So it was nice to have a happy and positive ultrasound this time. I was amazed at just how much bubs has grown since we had the ultrasound 10 days ago. At that scan bubs had plenty of space and fluid around, but it was apparent at this scan the baby was so much bigger and had definitely grown to fill a lot of the space. Bubs had his/her hands up around the face area lots. Roger and I had smiles on our faces watching. The head and tummy measurement showed 15 weeks 3 days, and we were 15 weeks exactly so the size is pretty much on track. Bubs was moving about quite a lot, but we got a good look at all the major features. Of course we will have the anatomy scan at 19 or 20 weeks where all the checks will take place, and it’s too early to really know for sure if everything is OK or not. They gave us a printout of what looked like the baby waving 🙂 Very cute and reassuring!

So after they’d checked the baby they went on to do the transvaginal ultrasound to check the suture looked as though it was in place OK. What they found was that my cervix is completely closed (a good thing) and the suture looks as thought it is totally effective and in place. What the sonographer did find odd was it look liked there was part of a second suture still in place.

We had a follow-up with the Dr afterwards who kind of discounted what the sonographer had seen… implying the sonographer probably didn’t know and was likely to have got it wrong, but the Dr who did the surgery had written in his notes he had removed the first unsuccessful suture completely. Anyway, I know I am not willing to just let it go… I know Dr’s can get it wrong, and just because he has written it in his notes doesn’t mean he hasn’t accidentally missed removing something.

The main thing at the moment it is in place, so that’s good. However, I am not just going to forget this possibility there may be part of a 2nd stitch still there – as long as it doesn’t cause a problem right now that’s fine. But when it comes time to get it removed I will be sure to bring up this possibility part of something is left there as I don’t want them to leave something in accidentally.

I guess I have been through so many surgeries in my life I don’t just ‘trust’ that Doctors always get it right. I think they do their best, but they are human, and anyone can get things wrong, even if unintentionally. No big deal though, will just remember to follow-up on it. 🙂

High Risk Maternity Clinic

I made the phone call today to the high risk clinic to let them know they should receive a referral for me from my current obstetrician in the next day or two. I felt I needed to pre-warn them I am already 10 weeks pregnant and will be needing to have our nuchal fold scan in two weeks time. Perhaps seems a bit pushy not waiting for them to contact me, but I had a friend who was referred to the high risk clinic at 10 weeks and by the time they processed her referral they had her scheduled for her nuchal fold scan at 14-15 weeks (which might be bordering on too late).

I was so impressed with the response from the team. I had three follow-up phone calls from them today. They hadn’t even received my referral yet, but looked up my hospital notes and read through them. It would have been mainly about my pre-term labour last year with our daughter. She lived for 35 hours. They had obviously read the notes in detail as mentioned the fact that I had no warning when I went into labour which is right. I’m told they showed my notes to a specialist in stillborn and neo-natal deaths, and came back to me with recommendations on switching to a multi-vitamin rather than high dose folic acid tablets I was currently taking and told me I needed to start taking baby aspirin immediately. They also suggested I could take an anti-nausea drug to help ease my morning sickness, but since I am pretty sensitive to even the slightest drugs at times I prefer to play it safe and just ride through it without risking any drugs. I already feel as though I am being well looked after… it’s so nice!!

Apparently I can expect to have an appointment sent to me in the next couple of days as they have already booked me in for a 12 week scan and with one of the obstetricians there. I was just so impressed with the swift response and how quickly everything has been sorted after just a short phone call this morning.

They have also advised me I will need to have an ‘internal’ examination on the same day of the 12 week scan to check the state of my cervix. In the past I have had a laser cone biopsy for treatment for pre-cancerous cells CIN II (a bad smear) so I guess I might have a slightly higher risk of this being a problem, since I have had part of my cervix removed. Apparently they will measure my cervix (oh joy, where do they keep the measuring tape), and if there is any hint of incompetence they will probably put in a surgical suture / stitch. I haven’t researched the risks involved in this procedure, but of course there are some. My obstetrician seemed to think it would be a good idea regardless if it could possibly reduce the chance of a premature birth again, so I guess I will just roll with what the experts think.

Anyway, apart from feeling sick still, I am feeling quite comforted with all the attention from the high risk clinic!

Still not out of the real danger zone yet, but certainly getting closer to it…

Exhaustion

This weekend has been really exhausting! Haven’t really done alot, but have been feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.

On Saturday I meet a friend for brunch but wondered if I’d made the right decision when I started throwing up that morning, just before she got here. I had to pack my little sick container in my handbag, just incase. Luckily I perked up once I started eating at the cafe, so lucky I didn’t have to let the cat out of the bag with her. At least meeting for brunch meant I would be home by early afternoon, and in time for my usual down hill slope in the afternoon – which was particularly bad with me bringing up all of my lunch.

This morning we had grand plans to go out for breakfast and then go see a movie – something I was really looking forward to since I have been feeling very restricted and house bound with all this morning sickness and early pregnancy symptoms. But I ate breakfast out at a cafe, got into the car and threw everything up. Needless to say the movie plans were cancelled and instead it was another exhausting day at home again feeling rough. Roger and I just watched movies and I managed an afternoon sleep.

I am looking forward to feeling normal again one day. We have our scan tomorrow so not thinking about it too much but at the same time it will be good to have out-of-the-way!

Will I stay pregnant??

Will I say pregnant? It’s such a struggle just sitting here hoping things are going to be OK but essentially being able to do very little in the grand scheme of things to change if I will remain pregnant or not…

I SO want this pregnancy to work out…

I met with a really good friend for coffee today (not that I’m drinking it at the moment), who told me they are 5 weeks pregnant. I was really excited about hearing that, and it took me all my strength not to blabber out ‘so am I’.

It would be easy to think about how perfectly great it would be if we both had babies at the same time, but I am far too afraid to let myself think that far.

Last year I thought it would be perfect that me and my (sister-like) cousin were due 6 weeks apart, but of course things didn’t quite work out as we thought it would. We never dreamt we would lose our baby. A miscarriage might have been a different scenario as people almost expect it to happen in the first 3 months, but having a baby that did survive for 1 1/2 days… that could have been… It still tears me up.

I’d much prefer the injection part of IVF rather than this nervous (is this going to work) waiting all the time.

Oh well, patience I guess…

1 in the oven, 2 in the freezer

So excited!

Had a message left on our home phone this afternoon from the embryologist to say our last embryo has survived and has now been frozen for future use. (Bit annoyed they didn’t call my mobile, as leaving a message on a home phone isn’t that ideal). But the good news is the important thing!!

Anyway this embryo is a day 6 blastocyst, so should be a fairly good quality? Still waiting to actually talk to the embryologist and ask all the details, but for now we are just so excited and happy!!

What are the chances? On Friday I was close to tears after hearing our embryos weren’t high-grade, so to have this news that 3 of our 5 embryos have made it is just amazing.

Things can change and there are no guarantees but I am making the most of this moment in time where things are good, better than I expected them to be, to just be happy about it.

I am just celebrating the moment, but aware that it is still just a one day at a time thing.

1 in the oven, 2 in the freezer… cheers to that!!

1 Frozen Embryo

Today has been a complete day of ups and downs. After a really anxious and crazy morning almost going insane waiting for a call from the embryologist we finally got the call, and were pleasantly surprised by what she had to say.

I just had so many negative thoughts going through my head this morning, and when the embryologist didn’t call us early morning, like they normally, my mind started coming up with all sorts of conclusions as to what we might expect. The longer we waited for the phone call, the more anxious I got. Roger was good at recognising my lashing out in the morning about needing to tidy the house was simply disguising my anguish.

We were expecting none of the embryos to have survived for 5 days and be at blastocyst stage. I couldn’t help thinking about the day 3 embryo I had implanted 2 days ago was not of high quality, so my little brain was getting ahead of itself thinking, well the chances of that taking are pretty low, and if that fails to get me pregnant and we have no embryos that make it to being frozen stage, it will be a wasted cycle with no results. I guess it is just such an involved process going through IVF I want at least all those injections, those drugs, to give us a chance at something. I want us to be able to have a good shot at getting pregnant.

In the end I couldn’t handle waiting any longer and called and left a message for the embryologist just before midday and we got a call back soon after.

We were both just really happy with what she had to say. We have one good quality blastocyst that would be frozen today, for use in the future should we require it. Whew! Just so nice to have that little back up, although it isn’t fool-proof, since not all frozen embryos will survive the thawing process… only something like 80%. And sometimes the embryo can be damaged in the thawing process too. The great thing about having a frozen blastocyst is because they are ‘older’ embryos (5 days old rather than 3), they have divided to a point where it is possible to see the area in the embryo which will become the baby and the placenta. So because of their advanced development they generally have a much better chance of survival, and therefore a better chance of me being pregnant.

We also have one embryo which is not quite at blastocyst stage yet, but they will take a look at it tomorrow and if it is looking OK they will freeze that too (it will be a day 6 blastocyst).

I don’t even want to think about the possibility of that embryo surviving too and being frozen… perhaps I don’t want to seem to greedy. I am just so happy that we have one frozen embryo, I don’t want to tempt fate by wishing too hard for the day 6 embryo to survive and be frozen too. We are happy with 1 frozen embryo, 2 would be amazing!!

And of course 2 embryos have dropped off or ‘arrested’ as they call it.

I am curious to know if our frozen embryo is the same embryo that was 12 cells on day 3. Both me and Roger had a good feeling about that embryo for some reason. Partly because it was the only embryo on day 3 that had no sign of ‘fragmentation’. For me I did some relaxation visualisation while I was having acupuncture done before the embryo transfer, and tried to ‘send love’ to all the embryos. I felt like I wasn’t able to as the first embryo in the line was sending it to me instead… weird I know, but I got the feeling that one was going to be ‘the one’. When the embryologist showed us her sheet the first one on her list was the 12 cell embryo.

Despite this we listened to the advice of the embryologist as to which one she would recommend for transfer, and went for that embryo. Who knows though, perhaps the no. 1 in the line like my visualisation is actually the first in line according to the embryologist ranking.

Who knows… another wait to see if our other embryo survives and if it gets to be frozen. Either way we are just thankful we have one little embryo inside me right now, and one frozen.

Embryo Transfer Today

Today I had an embryo replaced, which was 3 days old. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions once again.

On the way to my acupuncture appointment the embryologist called. She didn’t sound overly happy on the phone, although when she told me that all 5 embryos have survived for 3 days so far, I thought that was a small miracle. Happy about that fact as I expected at least two to have dropped off, but as the embryologist explained unfortunately we don’t have any high-grade embryos, which reduces our chance of getting pregnant.

We had 3 embryos which were 8 cells but weren’t high-grade embryos because they all had significant fragmentation (20-30%). Fragmentation means part of the embryo has some damage – areas where there has been an uneven division of cells leaving “bits” which have no chromosomes.

The other two embryos were apparently in worse shape. One of them is a 12 cell embryo which sounds great, and it has no fragmentation at all, but we are told historically they know that embryos that divide too quickly have a lesser chance of surviving. I thought being 12 cell at this stage would be a good sign, but apparently not. Both me and Roger like the sound of the 12 cell, but I guess we need to trust the experts. And the 5th embryo has only 4 cells, so at the opposite end of the spectrum… unlikely to survive much longer because it is so slow to divide.

It was a bit of a blow to get the news that our little embryos aren’t in such good shape as the embryos in the last round. But as with everything in the IVF journey you just have to roll with whatever happens… no control over these things.

I had acupuncture both before and after the embryo replacement as it is meant to help. Even the fertility clinic (who opposes any alternative treatments) recommends it.

We went straight to the clinic after my morning acupuncture session and were there nice and early so we had plenty of time to discuss things with the embryologist and our Dr. Since they are not very good quality embryos I asked if they would consider placing two in, but my Dr was strongly opposed the this idea due to my previous medical history. He said since I had gone into premature labour with our last baby, he would consider it an absolute disaster if I did end up being pregnant with twins. He said in anyone else he would recommend transferring two embryos to increase the chance of pregnancy, since the quality of the embryos aren’t great. But because I went into premature labour and subsequently lost our last baby because of this, he wouldn’t be willing to take the risk of me having twins, as the probability of going into premature labour again is huge. Especially since no one has an answer as to why I went into premature labour (at 26 weeks) with our first baby we lost. The chances he guessed, factoring in my age, could be 10-15% of getting pregnant with twins. Twins are a high risk factor for mother and babies, and there is a greatly increased chance of going into premature labour for even the healthiest of pregnancies.

That was hard to hear in a way as I used to dream of having twins, and wouldn’t it be lovely. I’m sure it would be hugely difficult being a first time mum with twins, but we’d adapt and cope. Once we’d talked it through though I realised I had to just let go that dream, and listen to the experts.

I was all for transferring two, since I figured the chances of both embryos surviving were slim. I was ready to argue my case, but after talking it through with the embryologist and Dr I felt more comfortable with going with their recommendations.

So, we went with the single embryo transfer, although we know the chances of me getting pregnant with this isn’t great. The other 4 embryos will be placed back into the incubator and checked again on Sunday to see if any are still dividing, and if they are, they will either freeze them or leave them for another day and then freeze them.

I just think by the time they check them there will probably be none that have survived. Our Dr said about 20-30% will go on to blastocyst stage normally, but I don’t believe that. I know getting to blastocyst stage is quite a major milestone and aren’t holding out too much hope (but hoping to be proven wrong I guess).

Anyway, at least we have one in now so here is hoping it will stay in there.

FERTILISATION – 5 little embryos

So the embryologist finally called and all 5 embryos fertilised. That’s as good as it gets at this stage, so very pleased.

As soon as I heard the embryologist voice on the phone my heart started racing. Small talk was the last thing on my mind… I just wanted her to get on with it. As soon as she said ‘they’ve all fertilised’ I felt relief. I am still cautious not to get too excited at this stage as I know even though they have all divided and doing well at the moment, that can change, and probably will.

Roger said ‘aren’t my sperm amazing’ when I called him, and I must say I agree… well done those little sperm of his! It bought a little smile to my face 🙂

So now we know our 5 eggs are now 5 embryos, we have to wait again. They won’t check how they are doing until the day after tomorrow (Friday) when they expect they might transfer one of the embryos . If they are poor quality embryos they might transfer two, but it’s likely to be one I think since single embryo transfer (SET) is more common. If they are having difficulty deciding which embryo to transfer they might wait for another couple of days (until Sunday) to allow the embryos to continue to grow and divide so a clearer picture is formed of which is the strongest, best looking embryo with the best odds of surviving once they place it back into me. Going to blastocyst stage is what we did last time, but we had a massive drop off in terms of embryos that died off (or the term they use is arrested).  So I guess there is always a chance they will all arrest and we will have nothing to transfer, but can’t think like that. Still holding out hope, but aware that this is just another event in life we can’t control.

It’s a waiting game again – out of our hands. Hopefully they will continue dividing and doing well. We’ll know more Friday. Fingers crossed for those little embryos!!

ivf story / ivf journey

IVF Day 2 – It’s just another day…

IVF injection in the morning, and it hardly hurt at all… just a little red patch again initially and itchy in the spot but all fine. It’s only Day 2 and already I’m feeling like it’s just part of my daily routine.

I had a busy day at work with meetings and deadlines, so haven’t thought about anything too much.

Definitely not feeling bad or any side-effects of the buserelin (but it is only day 2 I guess). I feel pretty normal. (I think my man has been more grumpy than usual so maybe he is feeling the effects instead of me?)

This time last year I bet it was all a little more exciting in a way. I enjoyed showing close friends and family my little IVF pack with injections, drugs and sanitizing wipes. I even gave a live ‘this is how I inject myself’ show on occasion.

This time round we are not telling our friends or family. With losing our daughter last year it has made us look at things differently. We don’t want to feel others disappointment if it doesn’t work out and want to give ourselves a break from the well-meaning lovely people in our lives asking how it’s going all the time. We just want to work through things ourselves at this point and see how we go…

IVF Day 1 – Starting Buserelin injections.

Today I started my first lot of IVF injections. It’s kind of an exciting day actually – knowing today the ball starts rolling.

It wasn’t so bad! I got the needle and drugs all ready, my man assisted by priming the needle. He’s keen to put it in too, but I’m not so keen. Might be fun if it were the other way round…

I must say I have a lot more of a roll to select from than I did last time. I shift the needle tip around until I find a less sensitive spot and then it seems like my skin is suddenly so hard, the needle isn’t able to break it. I guess it could be I am simply too chicken to apply the pressure required to break through the skin so it just sits there until I eventually have the guts to go all the way. The boy is dying to push it in for me, but I know if it hurts it’s best I only have myself to blame. Finally the needle goes in and I hardly feel it at all. Inject the drug and it’s all over. I get a slight itchy feeling afterward around the point of the injection and a little welt like an itchy bite but that goes down after about half an hour.

The day 1 injection is over and it was easy!

This is our second round of IVF so we know what we are in for – we were doing this last year too. Feeling OK about what is ahead of us at this point.

We had a successful pregnancy after our first IVF round, and had a lovely wee baby girl. Sadly though, I went into premature labour late in my 2nd trimester and it all happened so fast there was no stopping it. She lived for just over a day – her undeveloped lungs just couldn’t cope.  We are still working through all the grief of losing our daughter, and understand it is something we will not ‘get over’ but will learn to live with as time goes on. There are more OK days now than bad days, so I guess that’s something.

We had 1 frozen embryo stored, so made a decision to brave it, and give it another go. We went through TER (Transfer & Embryo Replacement) a couple of months ago. That was exciting but scary at the same time. I was optimistic and felt like I had a bundle of joy growing inside me, but I had it wrong. We had a positive pregnancy test, but the levels were so low they didn’t hold much hope. And they were right… I miscarried a couple of weeks later.

So anyway, getting back to today – we are moving forward and having a 2ndgo (hence the username).  I feel confident I/we will be able to cope with the ups and downs faced with IVF. It’s a real sense of achievement in a way knowing that we are taking steps / making progress in a bid to have a chance at something we’ve been wanting for a long time.

Bring it on…