I told my Mum I’m pregnant

Finally, I told someone I was pregnant – my Mum. It was so nice to be able to tell her. I really struggled the other day lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself, feeling sick and I just thought I need to tell someone so I don’t feel like I am so alone. Roger is great, but he can’t be around every second of the day.

My Mum sounded a bit down on the phone when I spoke to her, so it was nice to drop it into the conversation that I was pregnant and surprise her. I could hear the excitment and smile in her voice once I’d told her. She was really happy and almost in disbelief to hear the news. Her first question was ‘was it natural?’. I guess she would have felt even more comforted if it was natural, but also perhaps because she had absolutely no idea we’d been through IVF.

It was nice to share the news with her, to make her happy, and be able to explain why I been acting strange lately. So it was kind of like ‘the reveal’.

She was really shocked to hear that we had gone through a full IVF round… she had no idea. All that sneaking the drugs out of the fridge when I was staying at their house and tiptoeing into the bathroom and locking the door so I could inject myself without anyone knowing. It worked – she didn’t suspect a thing!

I’m glad I told her! It’s such early days still so I really hope she doesn’t have to share in our disappointment if things don’t go so well. One day at a time…

1 in the oven, 2 in the freezer

So excited!

Had a message left on our home phone this afternoon from the embryologist to say our last embryo has survived and has now been frozen for future use. (Bit annoyed they didn’t call my mobile, as leaving a message on a home phone isn’t that ideal). But the good news is the important thing!!

Anyway this embryo is a day 6 blastocyst, so should be a fairly good quality? Still waiting to actually talk to the embryologist and ask all the details, but for now we are just so excited and happy!!

What are the chances? On Friday I was close to tears after hearing our embryos weren’t high-grade, so to have this news that 3 of our 5 embryos have made it is just amazing.

Things can change and there are no guarantees but I am making the most of this moment in time where things are good, better than I expected them to be, to just be happy about it.

I am just celebrating the moment, but aware that it is still just a one day at a time thing.

1 in the oven, 2 in the freezer… cheers to that!!

1 Frozen Embryo

Today has been a complete day of ups and downs. After a really anxious and crazy morning almost going insane waiting for a call from the embryologist we finally got the call, and were pleasantly surprised by what she had to say.

I just had so many negative thoughts going through my head this morning, and when the embryologist didn’t call us early morning, like they normally, my mind started coming up with all sorts of conclusions as to what we might expect. The longer we waited for the phone call, the more anxious I got. Roger was good at recognising my lashing out in the morning about needing to tidy the house was simply disguising my anguish.

We were expecting none of the embryos to have survived for 5 days and be at blastocyst stage. I couldn’t help thinking about the day 3 embryo I had implanted 2 days ago was not of high quality, so my little brain was getting ahead of itself thinking, well the chances of that taking are pretty low, and if that fails to get me pregnant and we have no embryos that make it to being frozen stage, it will be a wasted cycle with no results. I guess it is just such an involved process going through IVF I want at least all those injections, those drugs, to give us a chance at something. I want us to be able to have a good shot at getting pregnant.

In the end I couldn’t handle waiting any longer and called and left a message for the embryologist just before midday and we got a call back soon after.

We were both just really happy with what she had to say. We have one good quality blastocyst that would be frozen today, for use in the future should we require it. Whew! Just so nice to have that little back up, although it isn’t fool-proof, since not all frozen embryos will survive the thawing process… only something like 80%. And sometimes the embryo can be damaged in the thawing process too. The great thing about having a frozen blastocyst is because they are ‘older’ embryos (5 days old rather than 3), they have divided to a point where it is possible to see the area in the embryo which will become the baby and the placenta. So because of their advanced development they generally have a much better chance of survival, and therefore a better chance of me being pregnant.

We also have one embryo which is not quite at blastocyst stage yet, but they will take a look at it tomorrow and if it is looking OK they will freeze that too (it will be a day 6 blastocyst).

I don’t even want to think about the possibility of that embryo surviving too and being frozen… perhaps I don’t want to seem to greedy. I am just so happy that we have one frozen embryo, I don’t want to tempt fate by wishing too hard for the day 6 embryo to survive and be frozen too. We are happy with 1 frozen embryo, 2 would be amazing!!

And of course 2 embryos have dropped off or ‘arrested’ as they call it.

I am curious to know if our frozen embryo is the same embryo that was 12 cells on day 3. Both me and Roger had a good feeling about that embryo for some reason. Partly because it was the only embryo on day 3 that had no sign of ‘fragmentation’. For me I did some relaxation visualisation while I was having acupuncture done before the embryo transfer, and tried to ‘send love’ to all the embryos. I felt like I wasn’t able to as the first embryo in the line was sending it to me instead… weird I know, but I got the feeling that one was going to be ‘the one’. When the embryologist showed us her sheet the first one on her list was the 12 cell embryo.

Despite this we listened to the advice of the embryologist as to which one she would recommend for transfer, and went for that embryo. Who knows though, perhaps the no. 1 in the line like my visualisation is actually the first in line according to the embryologist ranking.

Who knows… another wait to see if our other embryo survives and if it gets to be frozen. Either way we are just thankful we have one little embryo inside me right now, and one frozen.

Embryo Transfer Today

Today I had an embryo replaced, which was 3 days old. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions once again.

On the way to my acupuncture appointment the embryologist called. She didn’t sound overly happy on the phone, although when she told me that all 5 embryos have survived for 3 days so far, I thought that was a small miracle. Happy about that fact as I expected at least two to have dropped off, but as the embryologist explained unfortunately we don’t have any high-grade embryos, which reduces our chance of getting pregnant.

We had 3 embryos which were 8 cells but weren’t high-grade embryos because they all had significant fragmentation (20-30%). Fragmentation means part of the embryo has some damage – areas where there has been an uneven division of cells leaving “bits” which have no chromosomes.

The other two embryos were apparently in worse shape. One of them is a 12 cell embryo which sounds great, and it has no fragmentation at all, but we are told historically they know that embryos that divide too quickly have a lesser chance of surviving. I thought being 12 cell at this stage would be a good sign, but apparently not. Both me and Roger like the sound of the 12 cell, but I guess we need to trust the experts. And the 5th embryo has only 4 cells, so at the opposite end of the spectrum… unlikely to survive much longer because it is so slow to divide.

It was a bit of a blow to get the news that our little embryos aren’t in such good shape as the embryos in the last round. But as with everything in the IVF journey you just have to roll with whatever happens… no control over these things.

I had acupuncture both before and after the embryo replacement as it is meant to help. Even the fertility clinic (who opposes any alternative treatments) recommends it.

We went straight to the clinic after my morning acupuncture session and were there nice and early so we had plenty of time to discuss things with the embryologist and our Dr. Since they are not very good quality embryos I asked if they would consider placing two in, but my Dr was strongly opposed the this idea due to my previous medical history. He said since I had gone into premature labour with our last baby, he would consider it an absolute disaster if I did end up being pregnant with twins. He said in anyone else he would recommend transferring two embryos to increase the chance of pregnancy, since the quality of the embryos aren’t great. But because I went into premature labour and subsequently lost our last baby because of this, he wouldn’t be willing to take the risk of me having twins, as the probability of going into premature labour again is huge. Especially since no one has an answer as to why I went into premature labour (at 26 weeks) with our first baby we lost. The chances he guessed, factoring in my age, could be 10-15% of getting pregnant with twins. Twins are a high risk factor for mother and babies, and there is a greatly increased chance of going into premature labour for even the healthiest of pregnancies.

That was hard to hear in a way as I used to dream of having twins, and wouldn’t it be lovely. I’m sure it would be hugely difficult being a first time mum with twins, but we’d adapt and cope. Once we’d talked it through though I realised I had to just let go that dream, and listen to the experts.

I was all for transferring two, since I figured the chances of both embryos surviving were slim. I was ready to argue my case, but after talking it through with the embryologist and Dr I felt more comfortable with going with their recommendations.

So, we went with the single embryo transfer, although we know the chances of me getting pregnant with this isn’t great. The other 4 embryos will be placed back into the incubator and checked again on Sunday to see if any are still dividing, and if they are, they will either freeze them or leave them for another day and then freeze them.

I just think by the time they check them there will probably be none that have survived. Our Dr said about 20-30% will go on to blastocyst stage normally, but I don’t believe that. I know getting to blastocyst stage is quite a major milestone and aren’t holding out too much hope (but hoping to be proven wrong I guess).

Anyway, at least we have one in now so here is hoping it will stay in there.

ivf story / ivf journey

IVF Day 2 – It’s just another day…

IVF injection in the morning, and it hardly hurt at all… just a little red patch again initially and itchy in the spot but all fine. It’s only Day 2 and already I’m feeling like it’s just part of my daily routine.

I had a busy day at work with meetings and deadlines, so haven’t thought about anything too much.

Definitely not feeling bad or any side-effects of the buserelin (but it is only day 2 I guess). I feel pretty normal. (I think my man has been more grumpy than usual so maybe he is feeling the effects instead of me?)

This time last year I bet it was all a little more exciting in a way. I enjoyed showing close friends and family my little IVF pack with injections, drugs and sanitizing wipes. I even gave a live ‘this is how I inject myself’ show on occasion.

This time round we are not telling our friends or family. With losing our daughter last year it has made us look at things differently. We don’t want to feel others disappointment if it doesn’t work out and want to give ourselves a break from the well-meaning lovely people in our lives asking how it’s going all the time. We just want to work through things ourselves at this point and see how we go…

IVF Day 1 – Starting Buserelin injections.

Today I started my first lot of IVF injections. It’s kind of an exciting day actually – knowing today the ball starts rolling.

It wasn’t so bad! I got the needle and drugs all ready, my man assisted by priming the needle. He’s keen to put it in too, but I’m not so keen. Might be fun if it were the other way round…

I must say I have a lot more of a roll to select from than I did last time. I shift the needle tip around until I find a less sensitive spot and then it seems like my skin is suddenly so hard, the needle isn’t able to break it. I guess it could be I am simply too chicken to apply the pressure required to break through the skin so it just sits there until I eventually have the guts to go all the way. The boy is dying to push it in for me, but I know if it hurts it’s best I only have myself to blame. Finally the needle goes in and I hardly feel it at all. Inject the drug and it’s all over. I get a slight itchy feeling afterward around the point of the injection and a little welt like an itchy bite but that goes down after about half an hour.

The day 1 injection is over and it was easy!

This is our second round of IVF so we know what we are in for – we were doing this last year too. Feeling OK about what is ahead of us at this point.

We had a successful pregnancy after our first IVF round, and had a lovely wee baby girl. Sadly though, I went into premature labour late in my 2nd trimester and it all happened so fast there was no stopping it. She lived for just over a day – her undeveloped lungs just couldn’t cope.  We are still working through all the grief of losing our daughter, and understand it is something we will not ‘get over’ but will learn to live with as time goes on. There are more OK days now than bad days, so I guess that’s something.

We had 1 frozen embryo stored, so made a decision to brave it, and give it another go. We went through TER (Transfer & Embryo Replacement) a couple of months ago. That was exciting but scary at the same time. I was optimistic and felt like I had a bundle of joy growing inside me, but I had it wrong. We had a positive pregnancy test, but the levels were so low they didn’t hold much hope. And they were right… I miscarried a couple of weeks later.

So anyway, getting back to today – we are moving forward and having a 2ndgo (hence the username).  I feel confident I/we will be able to cope with the ups and downs faced with IVF. It’s a real sense of achievement in a way knowing that we are taking steps / making progress in a bid to have a chance at something we’ve been wanting for a long time.

Bring it on…